Have a Crack
Turn up, even if you suck at it.
I attend Church every Sunday, so, yay for me. I’m generally hoping, well let’s face it, expecting God to turn up because, you know, where two or more are gathered and all that jazz, so I’ve kind of got him over a barrel there. Cheers God.
Church usually consists of three main activities.
(We sing all together, sometimes called praise or worship)
Once I arrive I’m happy to give God a few minutes to rock up for the singalong. I mean it’s not like he was in the car with me when I was pinning my very significance as a human being on whether my mascara was clogging my eyelashes in to one big turd and resenting the fact that I haven't had time to get my eyebrows waxed for eons which clearly makes me looks ten kilos heavier than I really am.
(Talking to God usually with our eyes closed and sometimes with your hand in the air if you are confident enough in your personal hygiene)
I close my eyes to spend time with the risen Lord and Saviour (he must be chuffed) and immediately start grinding my teeth and chewing the inside of my mouth as I fall into a self obsessed existential crisis coupled with fervent angst about the just now spotted hair growing out of my big toe and golly, girls aren’t supposed to have hairy toes, so I devise three potential strategies for all girls who discover hairy toes during prayer
a) Tuck my feet under my chair.
b) Walk quickly everywhere.
c) Own it, buy a pair of Jesus sandals and claim it as a sign of deep spirituality.
Note: try and concentrate, perhaps take care of personal hygiene and grooming prior to Church.
(This word is something you will need to know if you want to hang around Christians even if no one else on the planet uses this word. It means hang.)
The hallmark of any good Christian is the ability to endure the awkward moment when you turn to the person next to you and say hi and enjoy inane yet witty banter until you are told to shut up and sit down. I nail this one. If you’re not sure just fake it till you make it. After the Church meeting has finished (sometimes called a service) you will have more opportunity to practice these “fellowship” skills with other whinging self obsessed prats whilst consuming free cups of coffee. (quality not assured)
So yeah, have a crack, turn up, even if you suck at it.
Have a Gander
There’s this book, and it’s got some goodies in it, you should have a gander. There’s also some random stuff about dogs eating vomit and men dropping their loin cloths and doing a nudie run so I’ve found it’s a good idea to learn about context and big brained things like history, language and culture.
I’m not a theologian, but I have found that the Good Book (the Bible) is a juicy life giving account that I cannot ignore. Get into it. You can even listen to it if reading is not your bag. But explore it with others, people who have studied it, who read it, who live it. You can’t fit it all on an Instagram post, you need to delve, explore, discover, wrestle with it. It’s even got it’s own whinging self obsessed prats. Check out Pete’s story, he’s a corker that we all love.
Bend your Knees
I like to keep my knee bending to to a minimum since is is usually associated with unpleasant occasions. You know, the sheer horror of fixing the computer cables under your desk or the sporadic late night hurl into the toilet bowl. But somehow, I discovered that a knee bend is also a good call for whinging self obsessed prats looking to follow Jesus.
It’s important to bend a knee and say “I’m a balls up. I need you.”
I tried to bend my knee the other day but my skinny jeans wouldn’t give so I had to choose between full prostate position and slight head nod to God. I chose the head nod. I’m not sure he appreciated my dilemma, because it became abundantly clear that he does, in fact, ask me to bend my knee, and that a head nod would not suffice. I need to admit my failings, to show remorse (Christians call this repenting) and ask for help and forgiveness.
I hate saying sorry.
If you’re like me you may find that ACTAULLY bending your knee, like placing your knee cap on planet earth, will help. This physical posture is somehow significant if you are a whinging self obsessed prat like me. Give it a try.
Do you know what it says in the Good Book about balls up whinging self obsessed prats in skinny jeans bending a knee, saying sorry and asking God to show up and save the day? It says that when God your Father sees you he will drop the hose he was using to hose down the front yard, and pelt down the driveway towards you, call you by name, welcome you home with a hug and throw a shin dig! Well, that may be the Bec paraphrased version but you can check it out here.
Bend your knee, let go and give God a shout out. He’s right there hosing down the driveway, waiting for you to come home.
If you think that my guide is not entirely comprehensive enough to base your faith in God for all eternity you could also check Apha out I guess.
Alpha is a series of sessions exploring the Christian faith. It runs all around the globe, and everyone's welcome.
You will find food, a talk and good conversation. You are welcome. Check it out.
So, if you are a whinging self obsessed prat wondering how to be a Christian, have a crack, have a gander, bend your knee and try Alpha. Your Dad is hosing down the drive way waiting for you to visit.