First steps

In case you thought this was romantic

Today I woke to the knowledge that we will sign up our house for sale. Our home.

I went for a walk. I walked and I cried. I cried that you would take this cup from me. I cried for the home I had made that my children will never hold in their memories. I cried that I am asked to take them to live among filth and depravity. I cried that I will not dress them in their sweet school uniforms or watch them dance along manicured paths picking up honkey nuts. I cried that my daughter will leave behind her purple bike with the cute basket. I cried that I won’t be able to eat cheezels anymore. I cried for all the times I was dissatisfied and wanted more. I cried, not my will but yours.

I’m afraid. Afraid of the cost. Afraid of failure. Afraid of living without comfort. Afraid of not being able to provide financially for my children. I’m afraid of you God. I’m afraid to follow you. I’m afraid because following you doesn’t mean an easy life; it means giving my life.

I’m grateful. Grateful for a husband who grapples these feelings and doubts with me. I understand that if I had chased the manicured life, if you hadn’t challenged me, then our relationship would not be as strong as it is today. Loving you, following you, shouting at you, crying to you, submitting to you has knitted us together and bound us to you, the 3 string cord that is hard to break. That cord, I have learned, is to be put to work.

I am at peace. I am ok to fail. I trust you.

I will follow you, but don’t be offended if I cry like a baby in the backseat, ok?

My Path

If the path you tread is straight and smooth

Then how will you know me?

If the path you choose has no rocks, then how will you hold my hand?

For if you know not uncertainty, then how will you know my certainty?

If the path you choose, you walk alone, then how will you lean on your brother?

For if you have not given your shoes to your brother, then how will I wash your feet?

If the path you choose has no sorrow, then how will I wipe away your tears?

For if you need no comfort, then where will you find my loving embrace?

If the path you choose has no inclines, then how will you find your strength?

For if you do not stretch yourself, then you will wither away, and be useless

If the path you choose numbs all your pain, then how will you know my forgiveness?

For the mask you wear drives pain to depths that only I can heal

If the path you choose, you do not stumble, then how will you know my strength?

For if I cannot carry you, you will harden your heart to me

If the path you choose is smooth and refined, then who created it?

For its foundations do not lead to me but to death and deceit

If the path you choose does not intersect with others, then how will you know my guidance?

For I hold the map, and long to bring you home