Fear

Sooo… this is awkward… hopefully God doesn’t read my blog.

I’m afraid.

All the time.

Afraid that if I put my guard down, if I stand still for too long, you might see me, that I might see myself.

I’m afraid of the truth.

The truth is ugly.

I’m afraid to have nothing but you.

You are not enough.

I’m afraid to let go, I’m afraid to hold on to you.

I don’t trust you.

I’m afraid to follow you, I’m afraid of where you might take me.

You may have my best interests at heart, but I prefer my own interests.

I’m not afraid of your wrath.

Fearing you is hard because I have reduced you into a handy friend to get me through hard times.

I’m afraid to let go of my comfort.

My comfort means more to me than obedience does.

I’m afraid to trust you with my children.

My love for my children means more to me than my love for you.

I’m afraid I don’t love you enough.

I’m afraid that despite these truths, you love me, and you are waiting. Waiting for me to let you take my fear away.

What then?